Choose. A Monologue.

TW: Suggestions of SH & Su1c1de

This is a monologue that I wrote a few years ago in a moment of inspiration, along with an idea for a play that i will most likely never write. However, I just found it and was surprised by how well it encompassed what when looking back, I wish I could say to myself among so many other people in my life, both then and now. Hope you enjoy.

Cassie: How can you stand there and say it will never get better? Well yes, of course it will never get better if you don't make it! If you choose to give up. To stop fighting for better days! Days when the sun shines and you just lie in the grass and you stare up at the sky and... cry. Because you know that you can finally say i'm ok and fucking mean it! That you can feel the wind tickle your skin and revel in the shiver. When you can sit in a cafe with your people and laugh and chat and sip coffee and smoke for hours and not worry that you should be somewhere else or that nobody wants you there. When you can wear bright red lipstick for no reason and hold your head high and speak your mind and not worry that every word you say is a lie. When you can eat a piece of cake for the taste and relish in the flavour. When you can like a pair of jeans on the hanger and buy them without caring what your thighs look like in them. When you can get up at 5am to watch the sunrise just because you can! Just because you finally have the calm needed just to see the beauty. Just because, there finally isn't any noise. When you can run and jump and shout and sing and cry and scream and have it still be ok. How can you stand there and say it will never get better if you don't even give it the chance to? How can you let go of all the memories, all the big moments, all the laughs and smiles and comforting hugs and first kisses and adrenaline rushes. How can you throw away all the hours spent, all the feelings felt, all the battles fought. How can you say that you know that it will never get better? That you will never heal. That you will never feel the same again? And how can you choose not to care? Not to want to see? Do you know why it will never get better? Because you don't believe it ever will, that it ever could? It won't be the same. But you have to choose fear. Choose trust. Choose Sunday morning breakfasts with your little brother. Choose slow walks through the forest. Choose fucking jumping in the sea in mid february and feeling the tingling burn that makes you feel so so alive! Choose that cafe. Choose red lipstick. Choose fighting and crying and breaking now. So that you can have healing and mending and loving tomorrow. Choose a new place. Spin the globe and go where your finger lands. Not to run away but to let yourself let go. Of the shadows. Shadows of memories of a time that you will never get back. That you will never have again. Choose not to forget but to let go. Let go of the hatred and the anger. Let go of the regret and the guilt and the frustration over things that happened. Happened. Not happening. You can't change what happened. You can't hit rewind.

But you can choose what you do right now. Choose to go on. Choose not letting go. Choose the small things because the small things are the things that matter in the end. Who you knew, what you learned, what you felt, how you loved. Choose to love. But choose to love the memory. Not the pain. Don't you dare choose to love the pain. Don't you dare quit. You have a chance to choose life. You have a choice. I didn't. You need to choose life. And you need to grab it tight and not let it go. And you need to let it take you to fear and joy and shock and exhilaration and pain. And love. Choose love. Choose freedom. Because if you don't, it will never get better. You have to choose. And you have to keep choosing every single day for the rest of your eternity. Choose humanity. So that one day when you need humanity to choose you, it will.